!Food Flash! Anthony Bourdain Expresses Interest in Torturing, Fucking, and Eating Dick Cheney

!Food Flash!

“But you promised me puppies and chocolate bars if I got in the van”

Anthony Bourdain recently made an on stage appearance at Brooklyn’s The Great GoogaMooga Festival and took questions from the audience.  Being the consummate entertainer that he is, Anthony waxed poetic about burning down the Olive Garden, implying Paula Deen is a racist, and articulating how he would eat a unicorn. *Spoiler Alert* he’d use the horn as a toothpick after the meal. Good times.

His most entertaining/alarming comments were to do with cannibalism. An audience member posed a bizarre hypothetical situation: if he and Bourdain were trapped in a cave, would Bourdain eat him? “Fuck yeah,” Bourdain said. He added that if they were trapped on a boat with a bunch of his chef friends and this guy wasn’t pulling his weight, he would have no problem cooking him as a slow braise. Bourdain was asked straight up if he would eat a human. “Yes, yes, I fucking would.” It wouldn’t be his first option though — he’d eat a bag of Doritos first.

When someone later asked Bourdain which person he would most like to deep fry, he had a well thought out answer. First, he would waterboard Dick Cheney. Then he would deep fry his head, fuck him up the ass and then he’d cook him.

I think if I ever got to the point where I had Dick Cheney in a position to fuck him up the ass I would choose not to cook him and ruin the gift. I’d go back to that Dick Cheney sex well again and again. Just imagine unlimited ass sex with Dick Cheney, be still my beating heart. I bet if I played my cards right I could manipulate him into forming a loving, lasting relationship with me and we could engage in meaningful, romantic sex instead of forced ass raping. Though it would be weird introducing him to my parents, what with the deep fried head and all.