Chunky Salsa Fresca

DRINKING: Cerveza Pacifico Clara Pilsner

INSPIRED BY: Mariachi music

SERVE WITH: Guacamole, carnitas, fresh corn tortillas

SPECIAL TOOLS: None

BACKGROUND NOISE: José Alfredo Jiménez – Las 100 Clasicas

“Short and sweet, like a shitty, puky, Drakkar Noir scented bee sting”.

On a recent trip to Mexico I fell victim to the vengeance of the Aztec ruler Montezuma. Whatever was done for him to exact this kind of revenge must have been formidable, and maybe a little perverse. The diverse mixture of street food, street women, street drugs, booze, and electricity consumed over the 24 hours leading up to my sickness makes it very difficult to tell the exact culprit. I do, however, remember a questionable tasting bowl of salsa that was stewing in the hot afternoon sun. So I’ll blame that.

For those of you who have experienced this traveler’s illness, prepare to relive the horrendous events. The first symptoms came on at dinner. I was at a beautiful seafood restaurant with friends. We had told the waiter to not bother with menus but rather have the chef cook up a feast of the freshest of that day’s catch. We ordered shots of tequila and beers all around. I did a shot of tequila and immediately started to feel woozy. I broke out into a cold sweat and became very uncomfortable with my place in the restaurant. The waiter emerged from the kitchen with a giant silver tray filled with shrimp, spiny lobster, ceviche, clams, calamari, and a variety of fish, all prepared with traditional methods and seasonings. It was the most beautiful seafood platter I had ever seen, and I am haunted by it to this day.

The table was cleared and room was made for the massive silver tray. My dining companions pounced on the veritable seafood buffet. In a tsunami of exoskeleton cracking, butter spraying, shell slurping, greasy fingered madness they began to consume the dish, while I sat and despondently stared at the fruits de mer marvel. Not being able to take it any longer I decided to push through the sickness and took a bite of a giant, bacon wrapped, shrimp. No sooner had I swallowed the delight than I had to excuse myself from the table and visit the restroom. I hovered, bent at the waist over the toilet, praying to rid myself of the feverish sickness and return victorious, joining my comrades in enjoying the spoils of the sea. It was not to be. I spent the rest of dinner in an agony filled bathroom stall dancing the Aztec two step, aka, shitting profusely.

I was retrieved from the bathroom and hustled into a waiting cab. It was unfortunate for me the destination of the cab was not the comfort of my hotel room where I could recover, but a good old fashioned alfresco Mexican whore house. Coaxed by my friends that fresh air was key to my recovery I dragged myself to join them at a private table in the courtyard. A bevy of chubby Mexican girls soon appeared from the shadows carrying trays of beer, cigarettes, and massage oils. One by one my companions disappeared into the night until I was left alone with one of the Spanish only speaking Mexican prostitutes.  Language skills should not have been a barrier for her to notice that neither of us should want me as a customer this evening. I lay my head on the table resting on crossed arms and felt her massage my shoulders and neck. What harm could this do I thought to myself and didn’t resist. She progressively moved down my back and made moves for a reach around. I politely declined her offer, she responded by politely declining my declination and continued to try and undo the zipper on my pants. I puked all over her and the table. She shrieked and ran into the bordello. Moments later a cab pulled up and I was ushered out by an irate manager.

Upon my return to the hotel I went directly to the toilet and continued my horrific diarrhea experience. At one point I was simultaneously shitting and puking into the garbage can. It was quite an event as it continued throughout the night. During one episode, I knocked my roommates bottle of Drakkar Noir onto the tile floor, resulting in the addition of broken glass and a years worth of cologne smelling up the room to what ailed me. I spent the next day convalescing in a non – air – conditioned hotel room. It was pretty awesome! Thankfully, I was able to move poolside the following day and back in action that night. Short and sweet, like a shitty, puky, Drakkar Noir scented bee sting.

Back in the first world I decided to debunk the myth of Montezuma’s Revenge. It turns out that Montezuma himself had very little to do with what happened to me that evening and it was more likely a sanitation issue. In 2002, a study appearing in the journal Annals of Internal Medicine, found that 66% of the salsas tested from restaurants in Mexico were contaminated with E coli bacteria. The researchers found that the salsas contained fecal contaminants possibly as a result of improper refrigeration of the Mexican sauces. I agree with this finding as who in their right mind would take a shit in the fridge!? I have a new study for the Annals of Internal Medicine, send some scientists down to my hotel room in Mexico, I bet its like 91% contaminated with fecal matter. Stupid Montezuma.

TIPS AND TRICKS: It is useful to seed the tomatoes before dicing as it cuts down on the bitterness from the seeds and sogginess from the extra juice. Simply cut the tomatoes in half and dig out the guts with your fingers.

Milder white onions as opposed to yellow or red will give the fresh salsa less bite and overpowering onion taste.

For a spicier salsa, leave some of the jalapeno seeds intact and add them to the mix.

Be sure to refrigerate until use and keep away from all fecal matter.

INGREDIENTS:

Serves 4-6

• 4 tomatoes, seeded and diced into 1/4 inch pieces
• 1 small clove garlic, minced
• 1 small jalapeno, seeded and minced
• 1 small or 1/2 large white onion, diced into 1/4 inch pieces
• 2 tbsp fresh squeezed lime juice
• handful of chopped cilantro
• pinch of salt

EXECUTION:

1. Combine all ingredients in a mixing bowl. Cover and refrigerate.