Big Mac Attack

DRINKING: Coke

INSPIRED BY: Big Mac Attack

SERVE WITH: Fast Food French Fries

SPECIAL TOOLS: Meat grinder (or not)

BACKGROUND NOISE: Death Cab For Cutie – Codes and Keys (2011)

“What are your legs? Steel springs! What are they going to do? Propel me down the track! How fast you gonna run? As fast as a leopard! How fast you gonna run? Faster than a leopard!”

As a boy, I enjoyed frogs and snails and puppy dogs’ tails and stealing cars. It generally went off without incident except for once. A friend and I managed to secure the vehicle safely enough but in the ensuing joy ride we sideswiped a tree and smashed the door off. The car’s owner and the cops agreed to go easy on us as long as we paid for the damages. My friends parents took care of his end but the punishment meted out by mine was to find a job to repay them for the repairs. When 15 year old boys need jobs, they go to McDonalds.

My sentence began. I spent my weekends and after school slinging burgers and dropping fries. As all my paycheques went directly to my father’s bank account, the only benefit I derived from my labour was free McDonalds food. Well, free food and the opportunity to work with young, loose, McDonalds girls.

As it happened, the McDonalds I worked at was a bit of a burger bordello with the focal point being the handicapped washroom. The main culprits of the young lust and crude behaviour were two girls who, using peer pressure to their full advantage, managed to command an elaborate game of spin the bottle, only instead of 30 seconds kissing in a closet, it was 15 minutes fucking in the handicapped washroom. They chose this particular venue due to its unique feature of having doors that locked from the inside, making it impossible for anyone to walk in and disturb the game.

I was made aware of the game during my first day on the job. The following shift, my number was called so my partner and I followed the game protocol of grabbing the mop, bucket, and cleaning supplies to clean the bathrooms. I propped up the yellow “Slippery When Wet” sign outside the handicapped washroom, went in, and began my business. See where I forgot to mention locking the door? That’s because I didn’t. No sooner had I bent my partner over the sink and taken her from behind the door popped open and in wheeled an middle aged handicapped man. “Hey, hey, hey”, the man said with a smile pasted across his face, “what have we got here”? We quickly separated and began to struggle with our clothes. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, now hold up just a second”, the man said as he let the door close behind him, this time locking it. “Don’t let me interrupt you. Carry on. I insist”. “WTF?! No way. Look, we’re sorry, just let us get back to work, we promise it won’t happen again” I pleaded. “I don’t care about any of that”, replied the man, “it’s all actually quite simple. You two finish what you were up to and I’ll just sit here in the corner minding my own business. Then, when you’re done, I wheel on out of here and you never see me again. Neither will your manager. Get the picture”? I, really needing the job, and my co-worker, being horny in general, agreed to the terms and continued our passion plays, much to the pleasure of the intruder.

Upon returning to our workstations, the manager shouted “What took you two so long, we’re  backed up here”. To which I responded “Some crippled dude forced us to have sex in the handicapped washroom while he watched”. “Don’t get smart with me boy”! The manager barked, “Get back to work. I need 4 Big Macs all day”!

TRICKS & TIPS: Fresh ground beef is ALWAYS better for burgers. Not only for taste, but for texture and sanitary reasons as well. If you don’t have access to a meat grinder, use supermarket ground beef in its place.

If you don’t have the ingredients on hand to make the “special sauce”, it kinda tastes like Thousand Island dressing so you can use that instead.

Using Wonder Bread hambUrger buns is key to getting the bun right. They are widely available and its easy to form the middle portion of the bun unique to the Big Mac.

If you are using a meat grinder, or the meat grinding attachment for a stand mixer, keep the components in the freezer. It is important to keep the meat cold during the grinding process so the fat doesn’t melt away.

It’s way cheaper and easier to actually go to a McDonalds and buy a Big Mac. Be sure to visit the handicapped washroom while there.