!Food Flash! Man Flashes Genital “Whopper” At Burger King Drive Thru

!Food Flash!

“Sexual Deviants, Have It Your Way!”

A Longmont, Colorado Burger King employee is credited with taking a drunken sexual deviant off the streets. Richard Troupe pulled into the Burger King Drive Thru at 3am, clearly intoxicated. When 24-year old Burger King employee, Jennifer Scott, asked if she could help him she noticed he was not wearing any pants and was holding his genitals. Troupe replied by asking her if she’d like to hold his “Whopper.”

Jennifer politely declined the offer to hold the stranger’s genital “Whopper” and promptly called police. The 52-year old Troupe is now facing charges of drunk driving and indecent exposure.

To Jennifer, I say maybe she was too quick to call the cops. I think I saw this gag at a performance of Puppetry of the Penis. It’s quite possible that not all “genital Whoppers” are meant to be sexual. It could be art. Longmont, Colorado and Jennifer Scott hate art.

Fast Food Style French Fries

DRINKING: Homemade wine

INSPIRED BY: All things I need help from myself consuming

SERVE WITH: Homemade Big Macs

SPECIAL TOOLS: French fry cutter or knife skills

BACKGROUND NOISE: Foster the People – Torches (2011)

“Where there’s smokes, there’s fries.”

I miss the days when McDonald’s used to provide their patrons with mini cocaine spoons on their condiment stands. There they were, in plain view, for anyone to use for their snorting pleasure. Tiny white spoons with a long handle to make sure you could get deep down into the corners of your cocaine bag and scrape out every last remaining remnant of powder. The giant golden arches branded at the end to serve as a leveraged grip. It was so much easier than having to cut out a line or dealing with dipping the grooves of a house key into the flap. They could be worn indiscriminately around one’s neck, or the handle could be snapped off to fit into the change pocket on one’s jeans. It was everything one would hope for in a cocaine delivery system quick, easy, and convenient.

During this era McDonald’s also cooked their fries in 93% beef tallow. When I would stop in to pick up my spoons for that weekend’s events, the sweet smell of rendered cow suet always prepared my nostrils, exercising the blood vessels for the workout they would soon face. Mmmmm and those fries tasted soooo goooood. Thin yellow potato sticks made crispy from the sumptuous, rich taste of rendered cow fat, covered in salt and dipped in ketchup. Brings a tear to my eye.

Due to pressure from health groups McDonald’s has now done away with both of these cornerstones of my youth. I guess people are incapable of not eating french fries every day of their lives, so the least McDonald’s can do is make them healthier. I suppose those spoons made doing cocaine so much easier that McDonald’s had no choice but to save us from ourselves and have them removed from the condiment stands. Fuck ’em, now I do cocaine off the end of french fries. How you like me now Ronald?

TRICKS & TIPS: French fry cutters are inexpensive and widely available at hardware or home cooking stores.

If you don’t have a home fryer, use a heavy bottomed skillet to heat your oil. Save the container from the oil and after use, let it cool and funnel it back into the container. Used fryer oil gets better with age. It increased the flavour and colour imparted on the food it cooks. When the oil becomes dark, discard and start over.

Make sure your pre-cooked fries are well dried. Any water placed in hot oil will jump up and burn your eyes.

If you are serving guests, avoid using peanut oil or you may end up with a house full of dead people. Peanut allergies are nasty.

Big Mac Attack

DRINKING: Coke

INSPIRED BY: Big Mac Attack

SERVE WITH: Fast Food French Fries

SPECIAL TOOLS: Meat grinder (or not)

BACKGROUND NOISE: Death Cab For Cutie – Codes and Keys (2011)

“What are your legs? Steel springs! What are they going to do? Propel me down the track! How fast you gonna run? As fast as a leopard! How fast you gonna run? Faster than a leopard!”

As a boy, I enjoyed frogs and snails and puppy dogs’ tails and stealing cars. It generally went off without incident except for once. A friend and I managed to secure the vehicle safely enough but in the ensuing joy ride we sideswiped a tree and smashed the door off. The car’s owner and the cops agreed to go easy on us as long as we paid for the damages. My friends parents took care of his end but the punishment meted out by mine was to find a job to repay them for the repairs. When 15 year old boys need jobs, they go to McDonalds.

My sentence began. I spent my weekends and after school slinging burgers and dropping fries. As all my paycheques went directly to my father’s bank account, the only benefit I derived from my labour was free McDonalds food. Well, free food and the opportunity to work with young, loose, McDonalds girls.

As it happened, the McDonalds I worked at was a bit of a burger bordello with the focal point being the handicapped washroom. The main culprits of the young lust and crude behaviour were two girls who, using peer pressure to their full advantage, managed to command an elaborate game of spin the bottle, only instead of 30 seconds kissing in a closet, it was 15 minutes fucking in the handicapped washroom. They chose this particular venue due to its unique feature of having doors that locked from the inside, making it impossible for anyone to walk in and disturb the game.

I was made aware of the game during my first day on the job. The following shift, my number was called so my partner and I followed the game protocol of grabbing the mop, bucket, and cleaning supplies to clean the bathrooms. I propped up the yellow “Slippery When Wet” sign outside the handicapped washroom, went in, and began my business. See where I forgot to mention locking the door? That’s because I didn’t. No sooner had I bent my partner over the sink and taken her from behind the door popped open and in wheeled an middle aged handicapped man. “Hey, hey, hey”, the man said with a smile pasted across his face, “what have we got here”? We quickly separated and began to struggle with our clothes. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, now hold up just a second”, the man said as he let the door close behind him, this time locking it. “Don’t let me interrupt you. Carry on. I insist”. “WTF?! No way. Look, we’re sorry, just let us get back to work, we promise it won’t happen again” I pleaded. “I don’t care about any of that”, replied the man, “it’s all actually quite simple. You two finish what you were up to and I’ll just sit here in the corner minding my own business. Then, when you’re done, I wheel on out of here and you never see me again. Neither will your manager. Get the picture”? I, really needing the job, and my co-worker, being horny in general, agreed to the terms and continued our passion plays, much to the pleasure of the intruder.

Upon returning to our workstations, the manager shouted “What took you two so long, we’re  backed up here”. To which I responded “Some crippled dude forced us to have sex in the handicapped washroom while he watched”. “Don’t get smart with me boy”! The manager barked, “Get back to work. I need 4 Big Macs all day”!

TRICKS & TIPS: Fresh ground beef is ALWAYS better for burgers. Not only for taste, but for texture and sanitary reasons as well. If you don’t have access to a meat grinder, use supermarket ground beef in its place.

If you don’t have the ingredients on hand to make the “special sauce”, it kinda tastes like Thousand Island dressing so you can use that instead.

Using Wonder Bread hambUrger buns is key to getting the bun right. They are widely available and its easy to form the middle portion of the bun unique to the Big Mac.

If you are using a meat grinder, or the meat grinding attachment for a stand mixer, keep the components in the freezer. It is important to keep the meat cold during the grinding process so the fat doesn’t melt away.

It’s way cheaper and easier to actually go to a McDonalds and buy a Big Mac. Be sure to visit the handicapped washroom while there.

!Food Flash! McDonald’s Forces Fresh Fruit And Vegetables On World’s Children

!Food Flash!

“But I don’t wanna live to become a teenager!”

Beginning September 2011 McDonald’s Happy Meals will become healthier. The boxed meal with a toy, marketed to children, will feature less than half the current amount of french fries and the addition of fresh produce.

Depending on the region and season, fresh apples, carrots, pineapple chunks, and oranges will give the Happy Meal a healthy twist. In addition, the meal will not come with the caramel dipping sauce that was previously included with a fruit option.

I can almost hear the collective cries of the world’s children. Rumours are running wild that McDonald’s will soon be changing the famous meals name to Sad Meal and substituting the toy with a rotating selection of math quizzes, spankings, and dog turds. What’s next, cough syrup and moose urine instead of soda pop?

!Food Flash! Swastika Tattoo Found In Fast Food Kids Meal

!Food Flash!

“Heil Happy Meal”

8 – year old Eddie Hägglund received a shocking surprise in his kid’s meal from fast food chain Frasses in Northern Sweden – swastika tattoos. “We couldn’t believe our eyes. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry,” said Eddie’s mother Malin Hägglund. “Eddie is a huge fan of tattoos, but we thought this was a very strange tattoo for a child and that it was a little wrong of the shop to include it.”

The swastika, commonly known as the symbol of the German Nazi party, is banned in the country if used to represent a hate organization. The owners of the fast food outlet apologized and blamed the incident on the fact that the tattoos were imported from China, where the swastika is a symbol of luck.

Also found in the children’s meal – a fake Hitler moustache and a single testicle, Chinese symbols of the German Nazi party.