Fast Food Style French Fries

DRINKING: Homemade wine

INSPIRED BY: All things I need help from myself consuming

SERVE WITH: Homemade Big Macs

SPECIAL TOOLS: French fry cutter or knife skills

BACKGROUND NOISE: Foster the People – Torches (2011)

“Where there’s smokes, there’s fries.”

I miss the days when McDonald’s used to provide their patrons with mini cocaine spoons on their condiment stands. There they were, in plain view, for anyone to use for their snorting pleasure. Tiny white spoons with a long handle to make sure you could get deep down into the corners of your cocaine bag and scrape out every last remaining remnant of powder. The giant golden arches branded at the end to serve as a leveraged grip. It was so much easier than having to cut out a line or dealing with dipping the grooves of a house key into the flap. They could be worn indiscriminately around one’s neck, or the handle could be snapped off to fit into the change pocket on one’s jeans. It was everything one would hope for in a cocaine delivery system quick, easy, and convenient.

During this era McDonald’s also cooked their fries in 93% beef tallow. When I would stop in to pick up my spoons for that weekend’s events, the sweet smell of rendered cow suet always prepared my nostrils, exercising the blood vessels for the workout they would soon face. Mmmmm and those fries tasted soooo goooood. Thin yellow potato sticks made crispy from the sumptuous, rich taste of rendered cow fat, covered in salt and dipped in ketchup. Brings a tear to my eye.

Due to pressure from health groups McDonald’s has now done away with both of these cornerstones of my youth. I guess people are incapable of not eating french fries every day of their lives, so the least McDonald’s can do is make them healthier. I suppose those spoons made doing cocaine so much easier that McDonald’s had no choice but to save us from ourselves and have them removed from the condiment stands. Fuck ’em, now I do cocaine off the end of french fries. How you like me now Ronald?

TRICKS & TIPS: French fry cutters are inexpensive and widely available at hardware or home cooking stores.

If you don’t have a home fryer, use a heavy bottomed skillet to heat your oil. Save the container from the oil and after use, let it cool and funnel it back into the container. Used fryer oil gets better with age. It increased the flavour and colour imparted on the food it cooks. When the oil becomes dark, discard and start over.

Make sure your pre-cooked fries are well dried. Any water placed in hot oil will jump up and burn your eyes.

If you are serving guests, avoid using peanut oil or you may end up with a house full of dead people. Peanut allergies are nasty.

Oven Roasted Sweet Potatoes

DRINKING: Heavy red wine

INSPIRED BY: Jenga

SERVE WITH: Pan Seared Rib Eye with Stilton Green Peppercorn Sauce

SPECIAL TOOLS: None

BACKGROUND NOISE: Bon Iver – Bon Iver (2011)

“You take a block from the middle and you put it on top”

I fear I will never know the difference between sweet potatoes and yams. Conversations with produce managers, reading food reference guides, and searching the internet has only brought further confusion. This leads me to believe that either there is no difference or, everyone on the planet is a robot except for me and this is a massive conspiracy to fuck me over. Shit, now that I think about it, when I was in Korea with some chicks at a Pizza Hut, they were eating sweet potatoes on their pizza! The fact is, there are a LOT of robots in Korea…maybe you ARE all robots?! That would be pretty dramatic if it went that deep. If you’re reading this, and you’re one of the robots in on the gag, just give it up. It really isn’t worth it. I have pills to put me to sleep at night. Sweet eye closing pills.

TRICKS AND TIPS: Try and find sweet potatoes that are as close in width as possible so when roasting they will all be done at the same time.